Ghost

My Button Collection

Priorities

We slept in later than we had planned thanks to snooze buttons, hand massages, and cuddles under the covers. You had a list of important things to do. We had Bruegger’s Bagels for breakfast and then went for a drive because you knew I didn’t want to go home. When we finally arrived, you went outside to mow the grass so I could have some time alone to retreat and relax. Cuddled up television, dinner at the cheap Italian place that’s 2 minutes away. Conversation amid the sun-stroked smoke of hookah delight. Ice cream.
Not a single thing on the list of important things to do got done.
Thank you.

No Dial Tone

Some people don’t love themselves
but they love others
and are loved in return.
They cling to their loved ones
like an infant to its mother
and value self-deprecation
more than loneliness.

Some people love themselves
but lack connection to anyone else,
Never knowing what is missing
Always feeling incompletely whole.

Some people don’t love themselves
Nor are they connected with others.
These are the people holding the tin can phones
which have no dial tone,
no operator,
no connection.
Only the absence of connection remains-
the sound of a still beating heart-
the sound of
love dying
To escape.

Lonely

Yesterday was embarrassing. Might as well share it with everyone, right?

My day started off relatively well. Sam and I had some morning fun and then picked out a movie on netflix to watch. After the movie ended, he got dressed and packed his things to go to class. I lazily rolled around in bed, wrapping myself up in my favorite green blanket, breathing in the fresh scent of fabric softener. I didn’t have anything planned for the day because it was my Monday off, and usually I just catch up on cleaning and running errands. It dawned on me that I would be spending the entire day alone (something I’m not particularly fond of), and I came to realize that Sam and I haven’t gotten to hang out in a long time. We were having so much fun and it just plain sucked that it got cut short because he had to go to class.  

I tried my very best to steady the waiver in my throat as I told him to have a good day, but Sam has a keen ear, and he caught on to my impending breakdown. I didn’t want him to see me upset. I don’t want him to think that I’m needy or weak, and I especially didn’t want to make him feel guilty. When he came into the bedroom asking what was wrong, I ended up crying about how much I missed him. He stayed with me for a few minutes while I calmed down, but I urged him to go to class. He shouldn’t skip because of my selfishness. We sat in silence for a few more moments and then I ushered him out the door. There is nothing that can be done about it, and I know it’s going to be like this for a long time.

Sam and I have had conflicting schedules for a while, so logic tells me I should just be used to it by now. Unfortunately, logic and emotions tend to be like oil and water. They simply don’t mix. 

A College Story

This post is not finished yet, but I want to publish what I have so far.

     For my entire life, I have been surrounded by people with mental illness. My younger brother was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, my father with bipolar disorder, and my mother with depression; I have had close friends with eating disorders and other self harming behaviors. As a child, I watched my mother spend hours upon hours struggling with my brother, and helping him work through everyday activities that were difficult for him. As I grew older, my mother became more frustrated and tired, and seemed to give up more easily when the going got rough. I often found myself seeking solutions to the communication problems between my mother and brother, and I have felt a great sense of purpose because of it. During high school, my parents had some domestic issues and I found myself in a frightening and unpleasant position. The court assigned counselors to visit my siblings and me at home to help us make sense of the situation, and I wondered to myself if I could do their job. My parents hugely benefited from marriage counseling and eventually managed to share a pleasant life together. I did not know it then, but it was those experiences that would ultimately influence my career path.

I was just shy of eighteen when I began my first semester at Kent State University, and to be honest, I did not know why I was even there. College was not fun for me, and going to class every day was on the same level as getting a tooth pulled. I think I only went because I knew my mother would be furious if I did not. I was in the pre-med program, and decided to take general psychology as an elective class. It turned out that I quite enjoyed learning about the mind and all of its wonders. During my sophomore year, I decided to drop the pre-med course-load and declared a major in psychology.

Despite my growing interest in my schoolwork, I was not very focused for most of my undergraduate career. Juggling between work, school, and a difficult home life took its toll on me. However, I decided that my education was important, and that if I was going to get where I wanted to be, I would have to make some serious changes. By this time, I was already in junior standing and only had a couple semesters left before I would have a degree.  It was not much time to mend the damage I had done to my GPA. I scheduled a meeting with an advisor and was told that my chances of getting into a graduate psychology program were slim to none, even if I did well during my last few semesters. At that point, I decided I was done with psychology. All anyone ever talked about was research, data correlations, validity, and standard deviation. I wanted to talk to people, to find out what causes them pain, and to help them find comfort from it. I realized that I had known what I wanted to do for quite some time; I had just chosen the wrong program for my professional goals. The classes that interested me the most were psychological interventions, the sociology of mental illness, and adolescent psychology; those classes were about people- not statistics, chemicals, or memory.

My interest in human emotion and my eagerness to help those who are troubled often seeped into my work life at Lowe’s. I often found myself talking with customers about personal issues just as much as I talked with them about which weed killer to purchase. I liked listening to them, and I liked offering a fresh perspective to anyone who was willing to hear one. Because of my desire to help people during difficult times, I decided to look into some volunteer positions. I ended up taking a volunteer position at Robinson Memorial Hospital at the main lobby information desk. I thought it would be the perfect place for me to talk to the friends and families of patients who may be plagued by a worried conscious; and from time to time the opportunity presented itself. Unfortunately, most people who enter the lobby ask for a room number and quickly disappear into a nearby elevator. During down time I began chatting with the transporting volunteer, Ashley, who sits with me behind the desk. She is a 17 year old junior in high school who is a cheerleader and quite popular. She is very much the opposite of my high school self. Despite these differences, I came to learn that we had a lot in common, especially when it came to relationships. Ashley began seeking my advice, and after some time, I came to realize that many of the things she did and spoke about were perfectly in line with my studies in adolescent psychology. It was at this point that I realized that I wanted to focus my concentration on adolescents and young adults.

I am open-minded about the future, and hope to have the opportunity to work in various settings ranging from community based agencies to private clinical meetings. Ideally, I would like to work with persons between the ages of twelve and twenty-two who are experiencing emotional difficulties. My goal is to be able to diagnose and treat these individuals to help them lead happy and successful lives. Having a degree in clinical mental health counseling will lay the foundation for these goals because it will teach me the fundamental skills I will need to earn a license in professional counseling and professional clinical counseling. 

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